Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite – All he wanted to
do was eat, drink and be Mary

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was
looking for some hot action! So I sent her my ironing. That’ll keep her busy.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind.

Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on Friday this year”. Mick said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th then.”

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours
to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

Came home today to find all my doors and windows smashed in and
everything gone. What sort of sick person does that to someone’s Advent calendar…


I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.
To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes
women happy. Nothing.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he
had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, “Never mind son, maybe next year you’ll get a speaking part.”

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That’s a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

2 women called at my door and asked what type of bread I ate,
when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes…. I think they were both Hovis Witnesses.