The man next door is trying to sell his house, so I went round to see how it was going. "Oh, I'm following all the tips," he said, "I've painted all the walls, floors, ceilings, doors and windows black and I answer the door to every viewing appointment dressed totally in tinfoil. The estate agent said it was very important to create the illusion of space."

The chap on the other side told me he'd built a model of Mount Everest. I asked him if it was to scale, but he said it was just to look at.

I accidentally dropped some haemorrhoid cream in my fruit bowl and now my grapes have disappeared.

My mate said, "I've just injected steroids into my arm" "Anabolic?" I asked.  "No, just my arm" he replied.

I’ll tell you what separates the men from the boys: Operation Yewtree.

Here's a new hobby to try: stick a finger up your arse, then hold it out in front and you can then do falconry, but with flies.

Bought my girlfriend a 50 Shades of Grey watch. The assistant asked if she’d like to try the strap on, but I’m glad she stuck with just the watch.

I'm really proud of my dad, he played Rugby for the 1932 England team, but that's as far as mum could narrow it down.

Saw a five-year-old boy doing a cat’s cradle. I thought that was impressive, but it turned out he’d just sneezed. I wish he’d told me that before I tried to take it off him.

Most of us have a skeleton in the cupboard. David Beckham takes his out in public.  

I sold my previous house on eBay, but pretty near all the money went on postage.

I went to my doctors with a hearing problem. He said "Can you describe the symptoms?" I said "Homer’s a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair."


I went to the pub last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.  I said, "Good legs." She smiled and said, "Do you really think so?" 
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

I went into an electronics shop and said: "I’d like to buy some headphones." The assistant said: "In-ear?" I said: "Well, I can go somewhere else if you like?"

BAD NEWS: Had to wait ages in a queue for a machine at the gym.
GOOD NEWS: It accidentally dispensed TWO KitKats.

Ray