You know your old when you start having dry dreams & wet farts

My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger.
It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles and my cock out, that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out!!

An assortment of high powered weapons and a stash of drugs including cocaine, heroin and ecstacy have been found behind the Job Centre in Liverpool.

The locals are said to be in a state of shock........,They had no idea they had a job centre!

Fernado Torres..... Not as famous as his brother Clit

Sky news report. The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya.
They sent in 3 ships - 2 full of sand and one full of cement..it was a mortar attack.

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.."

Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre.."

the wife came home from her golf round earlier today and told me she had been stung by a wasp between the first and second holes. i said your stance must be to wide then

Two crisps walking down the street, a car pulled up with two other crisps in to offer them a lift.. they replied "No thanks, we're walkers

New opinion poll out - Six out of seven dwarves aren't happy

A young magician started to work on a cruise ship with his pet parrot. The parrot would always give away the tricks saying things like, "he has a card up his sleeve" or "he has a dove in his pocket."
One day the ship sank and the magician and the parrot found themselves alone on a lifeboat. For a couple of days, they just sat there looking at each other. Finally, the parrot broke the silence and said, "Okay, I give up. What did you do with the ship?"

In a failed attempt to help Amy Winehouse before she died,not even Gavin from Autoglass could fix her crack problem

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified

Hi mate I don't want you to panic but I'm texting you from the casualty. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was.

Ryan Giggs admitted today to be suffering from homesickness, saying that even though he's happy in Manchester he does Miss Wales occasionally

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

Went around to a friends house today. His wife was sat there with their Newborn baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it....
I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.

Just heard there was an explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield.
3.1415927 dead

My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our Local pet shop and they were £70!!!
B******s to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused Permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.
A spokesman for the channel said....'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but We know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'

A cargo plane carrying Japanese car parts has exploded in mid-air, scattering debris over a wide area. An eye-witness said it was "Raining Datsun cogs..."

A man goes into Waterstones and asks if they have any books on Paranoia.
The assistant beckons him closer, looks left and right then whispers, "They're behind you."

I was about to cook my favourite fish when my wife turned up with parsley and cod.
I thought,This isn't the thyme or the plaice.

The Egyptain goverment have come up with a plan to stop the riot's in Cairo
Get in a car, honk the horn and chill out
They're calling it,toot-n-kalm-doon

I need some advice, I've been offered 8 legs of venison for £40. Is that two deer?

2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.. I think they were Hovis Witnesses.

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

There is an email going around from the Dept of Health about contracting Swine Flu from eating Luncheon meat.
Just ignore it.....it's Spam

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.

“I said to the gym instructor: ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’ He said: ‘How flexible are you?’ I said: ‘I can’t make Tuesdays’.”

“I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.”



I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.



So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".



A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.