If you get stopped in the street outside Boots by a woman with a clipboard asking "What products do you use for grooming?" they're always taken aback if you reply "Facebook."

I've just booked a table for me and the wife on her birthday. It's bound to end in tears though - she's crap at snooker.

I met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then.  God, I love my new taser!

I got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area. I've called him "Bradford."

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.

I’ve just watched a documentary about children being beaten and abused in Indian sweatshops. Looking at the quality of stitching on my new trainers they deserved it!

When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Life was tough in the gateau.

The local Co-op ran out of milk again during to the freezing weather. Fortunately, my elderly neighbour Doreen had plenty stacked up on her doorstep.

10 Catholic Priests were killed in a road accident. 
At the Pearly Gates St Peter says ''If any of you are Paedophiles you can go straight off down to Hell." 9 of them start to walk away, when St Peter calls out ''And take this deaf bastard with you.''



The wife came out of the bathroom and said ''I have just shaved my pussy and you know what that means don't you?'' 
I said ''Yes, the plug-hole is blocked again.''



In the Pub the other day I was telling that old joke about “What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?” 
Answer. “Throw in your laundry.” 

We were all having a laugh when this big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and said 
''I don’t find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits." 

I said ''Sorry mate. Did he drown?'' 
”No,” he replied ''he choked on a sock."

I’m making some metal objects at the moment that have “Get a life” written on them. I’m going to bury them along the beach.

Took the family for tea and biscuits. They were all a bit pissed off about giving a pint of blood each.

There are no B batteries – they go from A straight to C. This is probably to avoid confusion, because if there were B batteries, when you asked for them, the assistant wouldn’t know if you wanted B batteries, or had a stutter.

The worst time to have a heart attack is probably during a game of charades – especially if you’re playing with bad guessers.

I bought one of those whale sounds LPs – the ones with all the noises that whales make, with an orchestral backing. Imagine my disappointment when I got home and read the sleeve notes to find that it was only a bloody dolphin tribute band.

My father was one of the first ever Elvis impersonators. Shame, because there was no call for that in 1938.

My new IPhone can either hold 5,000 songs, or ONE message from my wife.

A "Near Miss" is when two planes nearly collide. That should be called a "Near Hit." When two planes do collide, THEN you could say that they nearly missed.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Rachel, Clare and Samantha haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar. Rachel arrives first, wearing camel Versace. She  orders a bottle of chilled Chablis.

Clare arrives shortly afterward, in grey Chanel. After the required ritualised kisses she joins Rachel in a glass of Chablis. Then Samantha walks in, wearing a faded old Barbour anorak, blue jeans and work boots. She also shares in the wine.

Rachel explains that, after leaving school and graduating from Cambridge in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of London's leading law firms. They live in a loft apartment and Susanna, their daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Paris.

Clare relates that she graduated from Medical School and became a Consultant Gynecologist. Her husband, Clive, is a leading City investment banker. They live in a large house in Kensington and have a second home in the South of France.

Samantha explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Ben, a cabinetmaker. After 30 years he retired and they now run a bird park in Dorset and grow their own vegetables. Ben can stand five parrots, side by side, on his erection.

Halfway through the third bottle of Chablis, several hours later, Rachel blurts out that her husband isn't "Timothy," he's Tom, and he's a cashier at ASDA. They live in a small flat in Camden and have a caravan parked at her Mum's house.

Clare, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, confesses that she and Clive are both nurses in Paddington. They live in Southend and holiday at a motel on the Isle of Wight.

Samantha admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.


Ray