A lawyer married a woman that had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their
wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin.

What?' said the puzzled groom. " How can that be if you've been married 10 times?

" Well, husband #1 was a sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was
going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never sur how it was suppose to
function, but he said he would look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically
but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order,didn't
know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer; He understood the basic process but wanted three
years to research, implement, and design a new state- of- the- art method.

Husband #6 was from France and Administration; he thought he knew how,
but he wasn't sure if it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure
how to position it.

Husband #8 was a Psychiatrist; All he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God, I miss him!

" But now that I have married you, I' really excited!" " Good said the Husband,
"but why?" "Duh; You're a Lawyer. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"

A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper. He knows that his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he does not tell them.

His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner?" "You'll
see", says his dad.

They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating.

"Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint: It’s what your mother sometimes calls me."

The girl suddenly screams at her little brother, "Spit it out! It's an arsehole!"

A bloke's wife goes missing while holidaying on the West Australian coast. He spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news and maybe some really good news".
"Well," says the bloke, "You'd better let me have it both barrels, what's the bad news?" The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. After a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is. The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her wetsuit, so we've brought you your share." And he hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it. "Geez thanks. They're bloody beaut... I
guess it's an ill wind and all that... Now, what's the really good news?"

"Well", the Sarge says, "me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!....you fancy comin' with us?"

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop.
Right away they go to the bird section and Mick says to Paddy "Dat's Dem".
The shopkeeper comes over and asks if he can help.
"Yeah, we'll take two of dem dere budgies in dat cage op dere" says Mick. "Put dem in a pepper bag".
The shopkeeper does as asked and the two pay for the birds and leave.

They get into Mick's van and drive until they reach a cliff with a 500ft drop. "Dis looks loike a grand place", says Mick. He then takes the two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by 'Splat'.
As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, "Fòck Dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too fòckin dangerous for me..."

A few minutes later, Seamus approaches. He too has been to the pet shop and is carrying the familiar 'pepper bag'.
He then pulls a parrot out of the bag and Paddy notices that in the other hand Seamus is carrying a gun.
"Watch this Paddy" he says, as he launches himself over the edge of the cliff.
Paddy watches as half way down Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off.
Seamus continues to plummet until there is another 'Splat' and he joins Mick at the bottom of the cliff Paddy shakes his head and says,
"An'oim never troyin' that parrotshooting noider..."

After a few minutes, Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and walks up with his 'pepper bag'. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag and launches himself off the cliff with the usual result.

Once more Paddy shakes his head
"**** me Sean, first der was Mick wit his budgie jumpin, den Seamus parrotshooting-and now you fòckin' hen gliding....."

went out for a walk yesterday afternoon with the missus, got down to the river in the village and there was a swan, swimming towards us, I turned and said to the wife

" do you know love you remind me of that swan. "

she replied " that’s the nicest thing you've said for ages , is it because it's beautiful and graceful and very elegant"

"don't be daft" I said "it's because like the swan you're always after my fu*king bread "

http://static.photobox.co.uk/public/images/41/53/8134153.s.jpgch=117&rr=22:52:30...

A man has tickets for the Rugby World Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

He replies "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

He says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Rugby Final we haven't been to together since we
got married in 1987"

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbour
to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral.

THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY.... check it out
>>these are actual cases.
>>                   > >
>>                   > >Fire authorities in California found a corpse
>>in a burned-out section of
>>                   > >forest while assessing the damage done by a
>>forest fire. The deceased
>>                   > >male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete
>>with scuba
>>                   > >tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.
>>                   > >
>>                   > >A postmortem test revealed that the man died
>>not from burns, but from
>>                   > >massive internal injuries. Dental records
>>provided a positive
>>                   > >identification. Investigators then set about
>>to determine how a fully
>>                   > >clothed diver ended up in the middle of a
>>forest fire.
>>                   > >
>>                   > >It was revealed that on the day of the fire,
>>the man went diving off the
>>                   > >coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The
>>fire fighters, seeking to
>>                   > >control the fire as quickly as possible, had
>>called in a fleet of
>>                   > >helicopters with very large dip buckets.
>>Water was dipped from the ocean
>>                   > >and emptied at the site of the forest fire.
>>                   > >
>>                   > >You guessed it. One minute our diver was
>>making like Flipper in the
>>                   > >Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast
>>stroke in a fire dip bucket
>>                   > >300 feet in the air. Some days it just
>>doesn't pay to get out of bed.
>>                   > >___________________________________________
>>                   > >
>>                   > >Still think you're having a bad day?
>>                   > >
>>                   > >A man was working on his motorcycle on the
>>patio, his wife nearby in the
>>                   > >kitchen. While racing the engine, the
>>motorcycle accidentally slipped
>>                   > >into gear. The man, still holding onto the
>>handlebars, was dragged along
>>                   > >as it burst through the glass patio doors.
>>                   > >
>>                   > >His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room
>>to find her husband cut and
>>                   > >bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered
>>patio door. She called for
>>                   > >an ambulance and, because the house sat on a
>>fairly large hill, went
>>                   > >down the several flights of stairs to meet
>>the paramedics and escort
>>                   > >them to her husband.
>>                   > >
>>                   > >While the attendants were loading her
>>husband, the wife managed to right
>>                   > >the motorcycle and push it outside. She also
>>quickly blotted up the
>>                   > >spilled gasoline with some paper towels and
>>tossed them into the toilet.
>>                   > >
>>                   > >After being treated and released, the man
>>returned home, looked at the
>>                   > >shattered patio door and the damage done to
>>his motorcycle. He went into
>>                   > >the bathroom and consoled himself with a
>>cigarette while attending to
>>                   > >his business. About to stand, he flipped the
>>butt between his legs.
>>                   > >
>>                   > >The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a
>>loud explosion and her husband
>>                   > >screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom
>>floor with his trousers
>>                   > >blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs
>>and groin, she
>>                   > >once again phoned for an ambulance. The same
>>paramedic crew was
>>                   > >dispatched.
>>                   > >
>>                   > >As the paramedics carried the man down the
>>stairs to the ambulance they
>>                   > >asked the wife how he had come to burn
>>himself. She told them.
>>                   > >They started laughing so hard, one slipped,
>>the stretcher and dumping
>>                   > >the husband out. He fell down the remaining
>>stairs, breaking his arm.
>>                   >
>> >______________________________________________
>>                   > >Still having a bad day? Just remember, it
>>could be worse...
>>                   > >
>>                   > >The average cost of rehabilitating a seal
>>after the Exxon Valdez oil
>>                   > >spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special
>>ceremony, two of the most
>>                   > >expensively saved animals were being released
>>back into the wild amid
>>                   > >cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute
>>later, in full view, a
>>                   > >killer whale ate them both.
>>                   > >_____________________________________________
>>                   > >Still think you are having a bad day?
>>                   > >
>>                   > >A woman came home to find her husband in the
>>kitchen shaking
>>                   > >frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with
>>some kind of wire running
>>                   > >from his waist towards the electric kettle.
>>Intending to jolt him away
>>                   > >from the deadly current, she whacked him with
>>a handy
>>                   > >plank of wood, breaking his arm in two
>>places. Up to that moment, he had
>>                   > >been happily listening to his Walkman.
>>                   >
>> >_______________________________________________
>>                   > >STILL think you're having a bad day?
>>                   > >
>>                   > >Two animal rights protesters were protesting
>>at the cruelty of sending
>>                   > >pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany.
>>Suddenly, all two thousand
>>                   > >pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken
>>fence, stampeding madly
>>                   > >The two hopeless protesters were trampled to
>>death.
>>                   > >____________________________________________
>>                   > >
>>                   > >What?! STILL having a bad day??
>>                   > >
>>                   > >Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay
>>enough postage on a letter
>>                   > >bomb. It came back with "return to sender"
>>stamped on it. Forgetting it
>>                   > >was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to
>>bits.
>>                   >
>>                   >
>>                   >
>>                   >
>>                   >
>>                   > There now, feeling >better?